Musing space

We only go around once in life. As much as many of us may wish, we cannot turn back time, and get a "do-over" (although I've gotten a close friend's son, who's a whiz a quantum mechanics looking into the problem for me). Yet still, we quite ofen look for a second chance at life, relationships, or jobs. But given the state of constant flux in the universe, and that things will never be as they once were, it's never truly a second chance, more of a new beginning: or a new chance with a previous situation.

   My mother passed away about 2 1/2 months ago. She was my mother simply due to the fact that she gave birth to me, she had no aprt in my upbringing, having given me up for adoption at birth, which I thank her for. We met for the first time in 1995, and both commented and looked forward to getting a "second chance" of having a relationship. Yet it was never really a second chance: we were two strangers bonded by heredity and a single moment in time that we shared, but neither remembered. We did our best to nurture a relationship: family gatherings, me fixing her car, taking her shopping, doing the things that we do with an elderly parent. It felt "right", if a bit strained at times, but I think we both gained a great deal from the relationship, yet there was still a bit of something missing. About four years ago she was confined to a nursing home, and bagan to grow ever more distant, so that at the end it seemed like she was a stranger once again. The funeral was hard on me, but more from feeling the loss that my siblings felt than from a loss of my own: I guess I'd already dealt with that decades earlier. I hurt deeply their pain rather than my own. Am I glad that we'd had the chance to find each other after all those years? Absolutely. My growing relationships with siblings I'd never known continues to grow, and are treasured. Did my mother and I really have a "second chance"? No, as we'd never had a first chance to develop a mother / child union. Still, I miss her, and miss as well the feeling of hope I'd once had of discovering my origins. A door that I'd hoped for for decades of opening another part of my life is now closed for good. While we'd only had about 10 god years together, my life seems a lot bleaker these days. 

 

Actually that's not ignorance...not knowing things but ignore ance: the act of ignoring something. It's not that I haven't wanted to be here, or thought about it a number of times, it's just that the last couple of months have been filled with a half dozen deaths in the immediate and extended families as well as emergency medical operations. I haven't really had the words come to me to express what I'm feeling, plus haven't had much time to do so. I do miss interacting with you all, and will return shortly to see how your lives are going. As soon as "real" life quits intruding.

Peace and blessings to you all.

Okay, I give up. I surrender. I;ve been trying to refresh some of the songs on my music list, even restore some that had been on there previously. Well, the links either no longer exist or are for some reason inaccessible. Spaces desn't allow us to download music from our own collections, only to link to other pages where the tune exists. I mean, I'd even pay a small fee to link to some of these tunes, but no matter how mush I google they just don't seem to exist.So i guess it'll just have to stay as it is until someone shows me another way to do this. BIG sigh.

Watching the Grammies last night, I was pleased to see the Dixie Chics get the recognition and vidication they so deserved after being "black listed" for daring to speak out against Pres. Bush and his war policies. Maybe it's okay again for someone to express their views in public. After all, isn't that what we're supposed to be over there fighting for? Freedom? There were a number of good performances on the show, the Police reunion, Carrie Underwood's tribute to Bob Wills. While I've never been a fan, or even know much about her music, Christine Agulara's (sorry about the spelling, like I said, never followed her) rendition of James Brown's "It's a Man's World" pretty much stole the show for me. I swear she was channeling Mr Brown through her performance. Really outstanding.

Slightly over 30 years ago in the summer of '76, due to the lack of possesions my recent first divorce left me with, I found myself moving into a small studio apartment on Denver's west side. It's curious how some moments of our lives seem to be predestined, or at least seem to hold special significance. I met a half dozen people there that summer who have become. and remain fast friends to this day. One of these folks was a gentleman named Doug. Doug had been in a popular bar band in Detroit in the early 70's and was trying to re-establish himself in the Denver area. Fate, and the music biz being what they are, he was only able to drum up spurious studio work. Other than some decent home=made productions that we got on tape, there was little to show for his time, and he returned to Detroit in the early 80's. THe 80's were rough on Doug, and he ended up supporting himself by working at one of the "big three"..."motor City". But he's never given up on his music or his compositions. Well, Doug is back in the bars playing again, and due to the beauty of the internet has found himself in the autumn of his life more popular than he's been in decades. So if any of y'all have the inkling to listen to something a bit different please stop by his site. "Panama Doug" can be found at www.detroitcity.com . Go to "music" and then look for him under "P" for "Panama". Who knows, you might like it.

One of the nice things about living in the wilds of western Colorado again is the feeling of being close to nature. Now, I grew up as a city kid. In spite of it's common perception, Denver is, and was, every bit a metropolitan area. I love being able to go out at night to get a burger or drink at 1 AM. I love the lights of the city at night. That being said, there's still a primordial attraction, I believe, in most of us when confronted with the majesty that nature untamed can present to us. Today, a pair of mature Golden Eagles, with 6 - 8 foot wing spans soared less than 20 feet over my head while at work. The place I work at has large outdoor fans to dissipate the heat of the process, and the eagles were coming by to ride the free thermals up into the upper atmosphere. They'll catch the updrafts off the fans, and constantly circling, without a single beat of their wings glide up into the air until no bigger than specs against the clouds. I actually sat down in the snow for about 20 mintes until they were almost gone from sight. Yes, Texas has some wonderful nature....but here at times the feeling is palpable.

This was written to me today by a very dear friend in response to a blog I wrote last Sept. (it's still there if someone wants to look at the original).

 

 The End to your book - 30 years later
It's still dark. I can tell without opening my eyes that the sun has not yet begun it's journey over my little space of earth. My brain urges the sun not even rise today, time should stop just for today. I feel the cat's warmth and weight on my feet at the bottom of the bed. I feel small and insignificant lying there in the middle of the bed. I squeeze my eyes shut willing sleep to overcome me and feel the absence of the voice like a lead weight on my chest. This is the first morning in 35 years that it has been silent. I did just as I should have done. I was a good husband and father and did not tear my family apart. I never fully gave my wife my whole heart although I am not sure that she noticed that it belonged to someone else. Maybe she did. It was a long road with us, our children grew older and without them in the house as much we grew further and further apart. I was sure that she probably had others that kept her company, but my heart wasn't in it to care enough to investigate. She left several times, and each time thinking of my children, I retrieved her and talked or bribed her into staying. (The relationship was strangely reminiscent of my second marriage.) The kids left to college, marriage and life and we no longer had a reason to be together. I haven't heard from her in 10 years. The love of my life, whom I married when I was just a child it seems, led a full life also. Although I suspect that she was never fully happy either. She married twice more and divorced both, scarred deeply by those that used and abused her. I loved her. I loved her and thought of her each day and wished to be with her. The voice screamed at me everyday to be with her. Everyday except today. It screamed at me everyday that she was alive on this earth, and yesterday was her last. I am old, I have my grandkids, and kids, and my cat but I never had her again. I wonder now if it would have made a difference.